Thursday, August 14, 2008

Michelle Obama: Clinton and I Conceived a Love Child

By Combined Wire Services

HONOLULU – Attempting to unify the Democratic Party ahead of its presidential convention, Michelle Obama, wife of the presumptive presidential nominee, announced today that she and former President Bill Clinton had a sexual encounter and, as a result, she’s carrying his baby.

With tensions running high between the supporters of U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, (D-IL), his party’s presumptive nominee, and his defeated rival, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton, (D-NY), pressure has been building from major financial contributors and the party’s top politicians for the two senators to find a way to unify their supporters, thereby ensuring a successful convention and increasing the chances of Senator Obama’s victory in November, said a Democratic political operative, requesting anonymity.

While it remains uncertain about who first approached the topic, it was thought that the only way that Clinton and Obama voters would unify behind the Democratic party’s presidential nominee was if the senators and their spouses jointly conceived a “Love Child,” said the political operative.

“I wouldn’t exactly refer to this baby as a ‘love child’ because, man, that was some nasty action,” said Mrs. Obama during the news conference in Honolulu, where her family is vacationing. “I put a pillow over my head and thought about the greater cause as he, you know, did his thing.

“Damn, she was great,” said the former president about Mrs. Obama’s sexual abilities during a news conference at his New York office. “This was some of the best sex I’ve had since Monica Lewinsky blew me in The White House.

“And you know what they say, ‘Once you go black, you never go back,’ man, it’s so true,” added the former president. “My next girlfriend will definitely be African American.”

“Those ‘Unity’ barbeques weren’t working. The party remained divided, so I did what so many women before me have done – had sex with my political rival, so we can end this spat once and for all,” Mrs. Obama said.

“But let me make one thing clear. I don’t know what the attraction for him is all about because he’s no great lay,” said Mrs. Obama, who, campaign aides said is in her first trimester. “Size matters and you white girls are getting cheated.”

Asked why they didn’t conceive the baby through in vitro fertilization, Mrs. Obama said, “We wanted to show our two constituencies that we’re able to put our hate for one another behind us and engage in an intimate moment.

“It didn’t even last four minutes, so it wasn’t too bad,” added Mrs. Obama.

“It’s important that we’re successful in November, so I enthusiastically supported Bill and Michelle’s decision to have an unprotected sexual encounter,” said Senator Clinton.

Senator Clinton, 60, said that she had offered to have a sexual encounter with Senator Obama but, after consulting with her gynecologist, realized she was likely too old to become pregnant.

Because of her age, 44, Mrs. Obama chances of becoming pregnant were better, Senator Clinton said.

“So that’s when Bill and I decided it was in the best interests of the Democratic Party that Bill impregnate Michelle,” Senator Clinton said.

Aides to both campaigns wouldn’t discuss who first proposed the idea of an Obama-Clinton baby.

“With unity like this, victory is assured,” said U.S. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, (D-MA), one of the party’s leaders and an early supporter of Senator Obama’s presidential bid. “I commend President Clinton and Michelle Obama for coming together in such a remarkable way.”

Political analysts weren’t surprised to learn that this statement was released just ahead of the Democratic Presidential Convention, scheduled in two weeks time in Denver.

“This is what we’ve come to expect from these parties,” said Washington Post writer George Will. “They work to bring all factions together, especially before the party meets for its presidential convention.”

“It wasn’t so long ago that kings and queens married off their children to potential rivals so they could preserve peace, establish joint interests and come together for a cause that was greater than themselves,” said historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. “This is just the modern day version of that. It’s no big deal.”

“Of course, we’re hoping for a white, girl baby,” said Senator Clinton, signaling that there could still be further divisions between her supporters and Senator Obama’s.

“I just want a baby that Clinton supporters finds cute and cuddly,” said Mrs. Obama. “If it’s black, even better.”

Mrs. Obama refused to answer questions about when and where the sexual encounter happened, but Obama campaign aides, wishing to remain anonymous, said it happened at a highly unlikely location – a Motel 6, along Interstate 80 in Iowa.

“Hillary watched the encounter to make sure that when Bill was done, he didn’t stick around to do, you know, anything else with Michelle,” said an Obama spokesman. “Senator Obama was in the hotel’s bar, incognito, having a drink while all of this was going on.”

“I had to double up on the Viagra but it was worth it,” said former president Clinton, describing how he prepared himself for his sexual encounter with Mrs. Obama.

Reacting to this news, campaign aides to U.S. Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said they couldn't think of any reason for the Senator or his wife to have sex with anyone.

"Republicans don’t have sex," said a spokesman for the campaign. “Our babies are conceived by immaculate conception.”

Details about child support payments, visitation rights and who will bring up the baby are being negotiated by aides to both the Clinton and Obama presidential campaigns.

“Abortion is off the table – unless we lose the election,” said Mrs. Obama.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Coffee, Tea or Me: One Airline's Answer to Profitability

Combined Wire Services

CHICAGO – So they’ll have the money to serve Starbucks Coffee to their passengers once again, United Airlines announced Tuesday that newly minted prostitutes will replace its aging fleet of flight attendants.

“If this doesn’t work, I give up,” said Glenn Tilton, the airline’s chief executive officer, as he announced the changes at the Chicago-based carrier. This latest policy comes on the heels of charging passengers for checked luggage, which was announced earlier this year.

“Our customers have been beating me up about the loss of Starbucks,” Tilton said. “This is the only way I know how to get the money we need to bring back this premium item: Start selling an additional service – which people will buy.”

United plans to replace two rows of seats in the coach class section of its planes with what’s described as “comfort rooms,” where the carrier’s prostitutes and passengers will be able to engage in private, intimate activity, Tilton said.

“Of course, we’ll need to swipe a passenger’s credit card for $500 before anything happens,” he said. “But it’ll be the best lay … I mean 15-minute, intimate experience … our customers will ever receive.

The prostitutes, fresh off the streets of Amsterdam and other cities across the globe, will start working for the airline during the end-of-year holiday season.

“You could call it our way of making the Friendly Skies friendlier at United,” Tilton said. “Not only will our passengers arrive at their destination safely and on-time but, if they so choose, with a big smile on their face – and maybe with a Starbucks latte in hand, too.”

The airline’s customers will be able to reserve a prostitute when they buy a ticket on the carrier’s Web site. Passengers waiting to pick up a prostitute after they’ve boarded will be charged a 20 percent premium, or $600, for their 15-minute, intimate encounter.

The carrier’s flight attendants are expected to be replaced by December. Tilton said the “comfort rooms” should be completed on all of United’s planes at the same time.

Tilton said the airline will be able to accommodate a variety of sexual tastes and preferences.

“Our prostitutes will come in all shapes, sizes and genders,” Tilton said. “We’ll have male prostitutes, female prostitutes, even transgendered ones, too, so we can successfully service all of our customers – regardless of their sexual orientation.

“These prostitutes will also do all jobs our customers have come to expect from our current fleet of excellent flight attendants.”

Asked if the airline’s prostitutes will engage in sexual activities that might be considered unconventional, Tilton said, “We’ve formed a task force to uncover this issue and make recommendations for accommodating a variety of sexual requests that might be considered, uh, unusual

“Condoms must be used at all times,” he added.

In addition, Tilton announced that United will create a new customer loyalty program, called the Mile High Club. Passengers will be able to accumulate miles on their Mile High Club card as they buy the prostitutes.

United expects revenue from the prostitutes to generate 20 – 30 percent of the carrier’s total annual revenue, or an additional $4 and $6 billion a year.

“With money like that, we’ll be able to serve Starbucks again,” said Tilton. “It’ll be free, too, just like the soft drinks, and we’ll be profitable.”

Wall Street applauded the new policy, taking up the company’s stock (symbol UAUA) five points to close at $17.30.

“I’m going long on United because this is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking we’ve been waiting for from them,” said Morningstar financial analyst Brian Nelson. “It’s fantastic! They’re a leader in their industry.”

Calls placed to American Airlines, Delta and Southwest Airlines were not returned but financial analysts following the airline industry expect United’s competitors to offer similar services.

The Association of Flight Attendants, the union representing United’s fight attendants, is expected to hold a news conference on Wednesday to discuss the airline’s pending changes.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Senator Edwards Explains America and Sex

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – Former U.S. Sen. John Edwards, once his party’s vice presidential nominee, used his presidential campaign theme on Saturday to explain his recent exploits, saying there are some Americans who are committed to sexually monogamous marriages while there are other married Americans like himself “who fuck around.”

“Unfortunately, I got caught,” said the former North Carolina Democrat, admitting to having engaged in a sexual liaison with a California movie maker.

The former Senator is the second prominent Democrat this year to admit to having sex outside of his marriage. Eliot Spitzer, never accused of having a libido, resigned from the New York’s governor’s office in March because of the sexual services he purchased from a prostitute.

“There are two Americas,” former Senator Edwards said. “There are married Americans who are committed to remaining sexually monogamous in their marriage and then there is another America, consisting of married men and women, who, like me, fuck around on their spouse.”

Asked if there was any comparison to the former New York Governor, Edwards said, “There are two Americas. There’s the one that pays for sex and then there’s other that gets it for free – kinda like me.”

The former Senator’s wife, Elizabeth, battling cancer, refused to issue any comment about the affair.

“There are two kinds of wives,” Edwards said. “There’s the kind of wife who puts out and who, by doing so, keeps her man safe at home, and then there’s the kind of wife who engages in risky behavior and refuses to have sex with her husband.

“She’s the one who loses her man,” Edwards said.

“We don’t really know what a ‘sexual liaison’ is,” said a man who’s no stranger to dalliances outside of his marriage, former President Bill Clinton. “He (Edwards) coulda just received a hummer and, according to the Constitution, that’s not really sex.”

“Less than one percent of all American women have had sex with me,” said Edwards. “I plan to get back out on the campaign trail to give more American women the opportunity to have sex with me.”

Asked if there was anything in particular he was looking for in a potential sexual partner, Senator Edwards, smiling, said, “As long as it’s a woman who’s over 21 – and she’s not a complete double bagger – I’m in.”