By Combined Wire Services
HONOLULU – Attempting to unify the Democratic Party ahead of its presidential convention, Michelle Obama, wife of the presumptive presidential nominee, announced today that she and former President Bill Clinton had a sexual encounter and, as a result, she’s carrying his baby.
With tensions running high between the supporters of U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, (D-IL), his party’s presumptive nominee, and his defeated rival, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton, (D-NY), pressure has been building from major financial contributors and the party’s top politicians for the two senators to find a way to unify their supporters, thereby ensuring a successful convention and increasing the chances of Senator Obama’s victory in November, said a Democratic political operative, requesting anonymity.
While it remains uncertain about who first approached the topic, it was thought that the only way that Clinton and Obama voters would unify behind the Democratic party’s presidential nominee was if the senators and their spouses jointly conceived a “Love Child,” said the political operative.
“I wouldn’t exactly refer to this baby as a ‘love child’ because, man, that was some nasty action,” said Mrs. Obama during the news conference in Honolulu, where her family is vacationing. “I put a pillow over my head and thought about the greater cause as he, you know, did his thing.
“Damn, she was great,” said the former president about Mrs. Obama’s sexual abilities during a news conference at his New York office. “This was some of the best sex I’ve had since Monica Lewinsky blew me in The White House.
“And you know what they say, ‘Once you go black, you never go back,’ man, it’s so true,” added the former president. “My next girlfriend will definitely be African American.”
“Those ‘Unity’ barbeques weren’t working. The party remained divided, so I did what so many women before me have done – had sex with my political rival, so we can end this spat once and for all,” Mrs. Obama said.
“But let me make one thing clear. I don’t know what the attraction for him is all about because he’s no great lay,” said Mrs. Obama, who, campaign aides said is in her first trimester. “Size matters and you white girls are getting cheated.”
Asked why they didn’t conceive the baby through in vitro fertilization, Mrs. Obama said, “We wanted to show our two constituencies that we’re able to put our hate for one another behind us and engage in an intimate moment.
“It didn’t even last four minutes, so it wasn’t too bad,” added Mrs. Obama.
“It’s important that we’re successful in November, so I enthusiastically supported Bill and Michelle’s decision to have an unprotected sexual encounter,” said Senator Clinton.
Senator Clinton, 60, said that she had offered to have a sexual encounter with Senator Obama but, after consulting with her gynecologist, realized she was likely too old to become pregnant.
Because of her age, 44, Mrs. Obama chances of becoming pregnant were better, Senator Clinton said.
“So that’s when Bill and I decided it was in the best interests of the Democratic Party that Bill impregnate Michelle,” Senator Clinton said.
Aides to both campaigns wouldn’t discuss who first proposed the idea of an Obama-Clinton baby.
“With unity like this, victory is assured,” said U.S. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, (D-MA), one of the party’s leaders and an early supporter of Senator Obama’s presidential bid. “I commend President Clinton and Michelle Obama for coming together in such a remarkable way.”
Political analysts weren’t surprised to learn that this statement was released just ahead of the Democratic Presidential Convention, scheduled in two weeks time in Denver.
“This is what we’ve come to expect from these parties,” said Washington Post writer George Will. “They work to bring all factions together, especially before the party meets for its presidential convention.”
“It wasn’t so long ago that kings and queens married off their children to potential rivals so they could preserve peace, establish joint interests and come together for a cause that was greater than themselves,” said historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. “This is just the modern day version of that. It’s no big deal.”
“Of course, we’re hoping for a white, girl baby,” said Senator Clinton, signaling that there could still be further divisions between her supporters and Senator Obama’s.
“I just want a baby that Clinton supporters finds cute and cuddly,” said Mrs. Obama. “If it’s black, even better.”
Mrs. Obama refused to answer questions about when and where the sexual encounter happened, but Obama campaign aides, wishing to remain anonymous, said it happened at a highly unlikely location – a Motel 6, along Interstate 80 in Iowa.
“Hillary watched the encounter to make sure that when Bill was done, he didn’t stick around to do, you know, anything else with Michelle,” said an Obama spokesman. “Senator Obama was in the hotel’s bar, incognito, having a drink while all of this was going on.”
“I had to double up on the Viagra but it was worth it,” said former president Clinton, describing how he prepared himself for his sexual encounter with Mrs. Obama.
Reacting to this news, campaign aides to U.S. Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said they couldn't think of any reason for the Senator or his wife to have sex with anyone.
"Republicans don’t have sex," said a spokesman for the campaign. “Our babies are conceived by immaculate conception.”
Details about child support payments, visitation rights and who will bring up the baby are being negotiated by aides to both the Clinton and Obama presidential campaigns.
“Abortion is off the table – unless we lose the election,” said Mrs. Obama.