Saving the Country

After Al-Qaida, the next greatest threat to the United States, as President Bush sees it, is the potential downfall of traditional marriage. It’s under siege, taking fire from people who want to see it changed.

Fueling this assault is the fact that heterosexuals are divorcing in droves and gays want to get married. Nothing could be worse for the country, says the President. And it begs the question, how can we save marriage before it becomes irrelevant or, worse, obsolete?

Well, let’s take a look at the current state of traditional marriage. According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 2.2 million marriage ceremonies are performed annually. And every
year, the Census Bureau reports, there are about one million divorces.

There’s always lots of speculation as to why people divorce but the reasons likely include infidelity, falling out of love, boredom, lack of communication, and the arrival of children.

The only thing that’s surprising about the debate on gay marriage is why so many gays want to get married in the first place. If you’re gay, take a good look at the nearest married, heterosexual man. Nowhere will you find a more sexually frustrated human being. Consider
that before you run off to the altar or join the protests to legalize gay marriage.

Your average married heterosexual man is sexually stifled because his wife works, in or out of the home, and her headaches increased exponentially since the day they lucky couple said, “I
do,” meaning he’s not getting, well you know, as often as he’d like. In addition, if they’re blessed with children, matters have only become worse. Colds, homework, play dates have
taken their toll on the romance.

That said, traditional marriage provides a man and woman with a stable home life and also ties them to one another emotionally, financially and, sometimes, physically; and, also, each spouse
knows who’s parenting the offspring produced as result of this union.

But, let’s face it, there’s a nagging strain on marriage, and it’s called monogamy. Who doesn’t want to have a quick fling? It’s not like you want to leave your spouse, you just want to check out, as the song goes, the fruits of another.

And now there’s a University of California-Santa Barbara study reporting that women want different kinds of men in their lives. They want a testosterone-filled guy for a “short-term” relationship, which likely means something quick and physical; but they also want, for the long term, a nurturing guy who will father their children and assist in their upbringing.

If my wife had her druthers, she’d marry four different men. She’d marry testosterone-filled
guy for the great nookie; she’d continue with me because I’m the father of her children; she’d also marry a handyman to do all of those household projects that usually cost a hefty buck when I call the local professional to handle the job; and last but not least, she’d marry a younger man to make her feel attractive and desirable as she advances toward middle age.

So what’s the solution to saving marriage? Polygamy!

The Mormons are onto something. Of course, officially, the Church of Latter Day Saints doesn’t condone polygamy, but let’s consider that polygamy, as it’s currently practiced by rebellious sectors of the Mormon Church, or even in certain parts of the Arab world, recognizes that men have certain desires: They want to fool around. And those Mormons and Arabs are willing to pay a high price for these trysts – they’re prepared to marry these women.

We just need to Americanize polygamy by making sure it meets all of today’s civil rights requirements. That means that federal legislation needs to be passed giving women the right to practice polygamy with as many husbands as they want; for that matter, guys should also be
able practice polygamy with as many wives as they’d like.

I see no reason why we can’t let gays in on this practice. If gay men and gay women want more than one husband and wife, power to them. I’m still not sure about the bisexuals. We’ll need to
convene a Congressional task force to consider that one.

Polygamy is the only rational way to save marriage and rid the United States of this pending threat. Both men and women will attain a higher level of satisfaction within marriage, and
polygamy should bring us closer to our Arab brethren, thereby improving national security.

If you're curious as to what affect, if any, polygamy has on children. Well, over the weekend, in Salt Lake City -- where else! -- there was a protest on behalf of polygamy by the children from these unions.

As for the political landscape, polygamy promotes marriage – something that should make
President Bush and his band of Republicans happy – and it allows a certain amount of sexual
variety within the confines of a committed relationship. I see no reason why the Democrats should withhold their support for this legislation.